The Screwed Tape Letters:  Taking It Back

Dr. Jackson, 

(I assume "Dr." to be the proper honorific, as is wise when addressing any member of an institution of higher learning; if this be a mistaken gesture, spare me any hate mail)

Please allow me to begin with an apology, as I have no idea who you are.  But upon my employer's injunction to have fun, and the Ryann Zeller, fearless leader, knows how I have fun, I have decided to make my bones at your expense.  I hope you understand, it's nothing personal.  I just like jokes.  And you serve as a terrific one.  

Upon setting myself to the task of verbally clobbering you, I first had to discover who you are, so I naturally appealed to Google, and found you are the one man in Louisiana, nay the South, nay the United States, nay the world, who thought it a good idea to invite Art Briles to your football program.    

I gather, unless you're a masochist, it's not been a good week.  The backlash against your hiring of Art Briles was considerable, so considerable in fact that the high-minded, magnanimous rhetoric you employed to justify the decision (redemption, forgiveness, something else) fell on ears not so much deaf as dead, and from what I can tell, Briles decided to leave before you had the fun of firing him.  And while I praise your emphasis on those things we should all hope to receive--who doesn't need forgiveness every now and then for something--I do have a question:  

What in the holy hell were you thinking?  

I mean, I could have told you that were you to hire Briles in this climate, you could just as well unload a 44 magnum in your foot, and have as good a shot at walking it off--and I, admittedly, don't know anything.  

But to make matters worse--a great thing for comedy--and to give you the benefit of the doubt, your questionable hiring practices have revealed you know as much about accounting as I do sports.  I mean, I just read that the Hue Jackson Foundation (I admire your humility, by the way) accrued $158,000 in 2019, $115,000 of which went to one employee and another $15,000 on travel.  To this I have two questions:  again, what were you thinking?  And:  are you hiring?  In the event that you are, you can catch me imbibing spirits at Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery, 76107--but, please, no direct correspondence; all mail will be summarily returned.  

Having said that, please, do not offer me a grant.  $4,000, the total amount you evidently contributed in grants for the year, would only pay six month's rent, and prices are going up.  Having said THAT, I take cash or check.  

I'll be attentive to the mail.  

Thanks! 

T. 

P.S., If you do happen to maintain your foundation after the the dust clears, I'd highly recommend changing your logo.  I don't how to put this delicately, but the "j" brings to mind a particular kind of job being executed, by a mermaid, on the two "I"s constituting the H.  Having said that, if the image was deliberate as a perverse illustration, I'd like to pose one final query:  is THAT where the 150 grand went?   

P.P.S., My colleague, a Cleveland Browns fan, has something to say to you, but I fear printing it here may get me banned from Sports Illustrated for life, and I don't want to give the Baylor Administration the satisfaction.  

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