Sports Figures on The Simpsons

Memorable Moment — Maggie has a nightmare about a Christmas toy called the “Gnome in the Home.” As she scurries away from the toy elf, Santa appears and tells her: "Oh, don't worry Maggie. He can't beat the super team of Santa, Jack Frost, the Abominable Snowman, and Wayne Gretzky." All of whom appear. Gretzky: "He's got a gun!" The toy elf fires a handgun into the air and they all scramble in different directions, leaving Maggie behind.

Memorable Moment — Homer uses an app called Chore Monkey to get some work done around the house, and even get someone to play catch with his son. He sees Matt Leinart tossing a football with Bart. Homer: "Wait. Are you Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart?" Leinart: "Yep. I am." Homer: "And you need this job?" Leinart: "Yeeaaah... I haven't really been smart with my money after football." Leinart then deflates the football a little a tosses it back to Bart.

Memorable Moment — During the 79th running of the race around the school (Springfield Elementary), Superintendent Chalmers announces: ''And Milhouse, the boy nobody loves, is widening his lead.'' Moses [in the crowd]: ''And what does he have to jump over? Nothin', that's what. I'm outta here.'' Moses proceeds to run and hurdle over bushes, until a canyon appears behind one bush. Moses [falling]: ''Good job, Edwin.''

Memorable Moment — Homer is called upon to referee games in the World Cup in Brazil after he is remembered for fairly calling his own daughter for flopping during one of her soccer games. Recruited for his honesty and utter disinterest, Homer is praised after officiating his first game. Cantor: ''In choosing Homer Simpson, the World Cup has met it's GOAL!'' Fellow commentator: ''Andres Cantor, you know that is incorrect usage.'' Cantor: ''I have no CONTROL! This job has taken its TOLL!''

Memorable Moment — While attending a funeral service for Chip Davis, 'Springfield's Most Beloved Character That You Never Saw,' Bart pulls several rows of pew benches up (tied to strings) after Reverend Lovejoy asks everyone to kneel. Sitting behind Bart, Namath yells: ''Owww! My knee! 40 years of healing, gone!''

Memorable Moment — Marge encourages Homer to enroll in a fathering enrichment class taught by therapist Dr. Zander. Shocked to learn that Homer often strangles Bart for mischievous behavior, Dr. Zander conducts a series of treatments with the help of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to teach Homer what it feels like to be young and small. Kareem: ''Dr. Zander and I play pickup basketball on the weekend, and when he told me what you do to your son, I was so disturbed I only scored 172 points.'' Dr. Zander: ''I had 86 assists.'' The two high-five.

Memorable Moment — Springfield news anchor Kent Brockman interviews townspeople about a massive sinkhole problem, including Moe at Moe's Tavern. Moe: ''Eh, you know, in this town, you learn to adjust to things: runaway monorails, NASCAR star Jeff Gordon.'' Jeff Gordon walks by and waves. Gordon: ''Hey, Moe.'' Moe: ''Hey. Bet we never see him again.''

Memorable Moment — Moe approaches Homer and Bart and suggests they enter their pigeon in the ''Springfield to Shelbyville Birditarod.'' Homer: ''Hmmm. Me, the patriarch of a bird racing dynasty.'' Homer imagines himself holding a trophy that reads: 'YAY HOMER.' Danica: ''Congratulations Homer!'' Homer: ''Danica Patrick in my thoughts!'' Danica: ''That's right Homer. I'm contractually obligated by my sponsors to appear in random fans' fantasies. Better not tell Marge about this.'' Marge suddenly appears in Homer's fantasy and yells at Danica. Marge: ''You Brickyard bimbo!'' The two start fighting over Homer.

Memorable Moment — Marge: ''Mike Scioscia! Didn't you get radiation poisoning working at the Springfield nuclear plant?'' Scioscia: ''I sure did, and it gave me super managing powers. I also demagnetize credit cards.''

Memorable Moment — After Lisa becomes coach of Bart's Little League baseball team, a group of nerds at Moe's Tavern tell her about sabermetrics, the analysis of baseball through statistics, pioneered by baseball writer and statistician Bill James. James: ''I made baseball as much fun as doing your taxes.''

Memorable Moment — Homer and Marge are part of a mixed-curling team that competes in a demonstration event at the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. Marge saves the day in the semi-finals, but injures her shoulder from sweeping so hard. Costas: ''Team USA heads to the gold medal match. But wait a minute. Marge Simpson looks hurt. This is the sort of bittersweet melodrama Olympic coverage feeds on. I admit it. We're vampires who suck on shattered dreams.''

Memorable Moment — During Bart's dream of having a brother, Peyton and Eli are seen throwing footballs through a tire. Peyton: ''That's a perfect spiral, Eli.'' Eli: ''Winning a Super Bowl just doesn't compare to chuckin' the ball around with my brother.'' Their older brother Cooper shows up. Cooper: ''It's easy being a winner in the pros. Try winning two high school basketball championships like I did.'' Eli: ''Good for you, Squirt.'' Cooper: ''I'm the oldest!'' Peyton [singing]: ''Keep away from Cooper!'' Cooper [whimpers]: ''Hey!'' Peyton and Eli play keep away with a football and laugh at Cooper.

Memorable Moment — Bart: ''Sir? Could you sign my program with a swear word?'' Homer: ''Uh, yes. Filthy, but obscure, with a subtle scatological undertone.'' Liddell: ''Sure, no problem. $25, please.'' Homer: ''Pay the man, boy.''

Memorable Moment — Mr. Burns: ''So, tell me, why don't you recoil from the public like a normal billionaire?'' Cuban: ''Hey, why own a basketball team if you're not gonna have any fun?'' Mr. Burns: ''Fun? Is that how it's pronounced? I've only seen it written.'' Cuban: ''Hold that thought. No one's paid attention to me for ten whole seconds.'' Cuban proceeds to juggle a basketball, a chainsaw and a Mavs Dancer at center court in front of a cheering crowd.

Memorable Moment — When Homer accidentally lets loose Africanized bees, they head for the arena, which resembles a hive, where Mr. Burns' basketball team the Springfield Excitement play. Albert: ''We've been invaded by a swarm of killer bees. My microphone is no microphone at all. It's bees. Am I being badly stung? Yes! And it hurts.''

Memorable Moment — Bart switches places with an exact look-alike, and after arriving at the rich boy's mansion, he marvels at everything he sees, including what's in his bedroom. Bart: ''Wow, cool poster of Joe Montana.'' Montana: ''It's not a poster.'' Bart screams as Montana steps out of the wall. Montana: ''I'm the real deal. Every day I stand here the family donates a million dollars to Notre Dame. Did you know the words ''Notre Dame'' are french, but the team is ''The Fighting Irish?'' That's the kind of thing I think about in here.'' Bart: ''Back in the poster, gabby.'' Montana [sulking]: ''Yes sir.''

Memorable Moment — Lance Armstrong presents an award at the ESPYs alongside Fozzie Bear. Fozzie: ''Hey Lance, nice trousers. Did you win those at the tour de pants? Wakka wakka!'' Armstrong [angrily]: ''Yeah, well, I never thought you were funny. Ever!'' Armstrong picks up Fozzie and throws him off the stage, leaving the puppeteer's arm and hand exposed and mouthing: ''Wakka wakka! Wakka wakka?''

Memorable Moment — Homer becomes a referee at Lisa's soccer games, but repeatedly calls penalties in her favor, until Cletus and his wife Brandine argue with him about a call on their daughter. Homer: ''I don't need a soccer lecture from a hillbilly!'' Cletus: ''That's hill-william to you, sir.'' Ronaldo: ''How about a lecture from me? Ronaldo.'' Homer: ''Ronaldo?! Winner of two World Cups and three FIFA Player of the Year awards?!'' Ronaldo: ''Yes, I am what you said. Now I travel the world, exposing floppers. And your daughter is a flopper. Now Ronaldo away!'' Ronaldo backflips off camera. Brandine: ''You heard Geraldo.''

Memorable Moment — Elvis Stojko makes a guest appearance at Krusty's Kristmas on Ice event. Patty: ''Elvis Stojko is so handsome.'' Selma [giggling]: ''He can lace up my skates anytime.'' Moe: ''Don't you hags know that all male figure skaters are twinkly in the lutz.'' Stojko: ''That's a common misconception. I have a girlfriend in Vancouver.'' Moe: ''Made-up girlfriend, made-up city.''

Memorable Moment — After Homer refuses to pay Bart for spray painting their address (742) on the curb, Bart leaves it as just 74. Homer finishes painting the curb so it reads: 74 Oakland A's - Best Team Ever. Lisa: ''Dad, all you had to do was paint one number, now no one is going to be able to find our house!'' Homer: ''But sweetie, I just wanted to tell the '74 Oakland A's how I felt about them.'' Sal Bando, Gene Tenace and several other members of the '74 A's roll up in a convertible. Sal Bando: ''Look, that guy remembers us!'' Gene Tenace: ''Hey Sal Bando, give him a '74 A's thank you honk!'' Sal Bando honks the horn and drives off. Homer: ''My work here is done.''

Memorable Moment — Ned Flanders attends a Left-Handers Convention and notices the booth for his store, The Leftorium, is set up next to Randy Johnson's booth. Flanders: ''Oooh, wow, it's the Big Unit himself, Randy Johnson. You've fanned more men than Salome.'' Johnson: ''Yeah, I get that a lot. I'm here promoting my new line of left-handed teddy bears. Randy Johnson's Southpawz. This one's a doctor. You can give it to your doctor. Huh? Huh?'' Flanders: ''You have one for a mailman?'' Johnson [getting angry]: ''A bear can't be a mailman. Now how many doctor bears do you want? They come in boxes of a thousand.'' Flanders [nervously]: ''Ummm, one box.'' Johnson [towering over Flanders]: ''You and me got a problem!''

Memorable Moment — A commercial for the Smoke Damage Outlet Store appears on TV. Announcer: ''Come in today and meet Smokin' Joe Frazier.'' Frazier: ''I'm only here because my name has 'smoke' in it.'' Announcer: ''Oh, come on, that has nothin' to do with it, Smmmmokin' Joe!'' Frazier [to the announcer]: ''I can send people to your house. Bad people.''

Memorable Moment — A spoof of the Most Dangerous Game, with Mr. Burns hunting other characters from Springfield, appears to be televised with Terry Bradshaw working as a guest analyst for the World Series of Manslaughter. Bradshaw: ''Well, conventional wisdom says good fleeing will always be good chasing, but the stats say put your money on the guy with the gun.''

Memorable Moment — Dennis Rodman appears near the end of the show as Moe makes a public service announcement for adult illiteracy. Rodman: ''Together, we can make reading a slam dunk.'' Moe: ''Dennis Rodman? What are you doin' here?'' Rodman: ''Working off a speeding ticket. Happy Halloween everybody!''

Memorable Moment — LeBron: ''Omelets for dinner? This is the best day of my life.'' Lisa: ''Really? Didn't you just sign a $90 million contract?'' LeBron: ''Oh yeah. That was a good day too.''

Memorable Moment — After scoring a touchdown, Brady rides a segway scooter down the field, saying: ''Everyone sucks but me,'' and dragging a banner that reads the same.

Memorable Moment — After Marge asks Yao to do the dishes, he responds: ''I really don't understand your language.'' [in Mandarin with subtitles] Lisa: ''Wait a second, I read that you speak excellent English.'' Yao: ''Shut up kid, I've got a good thing going here.''

Memorable Moment — After a judge gives Kwan a 5.9, she yells: ''Beware the wrath of Kwan!'' before using the blades of her skates to slice a bloody 6.0 on the judge's chest.

Memorable Moment — Sapp: ''Hey Michelle [Kwan], you got a boyfriend?'' Kwan: ''Not in here I don't.''

Memorable Moment — Bart and Milhouse possess a stop watch that freezes time, which they use to humiliate the townspeople. When they're discovered, an angry mob chases them down. They freeze time and put a fellow classmate, Martin, in their place. The mob, which includes Oscar De La Hoya, proceeds to beat up Martin. De La Hoya: ''Dios Mio, this kid is fun to hit!''

Memorable Moment — Tony hands Homer a skateboard that will help him impress Bart. Tony: ''This board represents the ultimate in poser technology. It gives people the illusion they have talent. Just lock your feet in and the board does all the work.'' Homer: ''All the work?'' Tony: ''Fine, I'll lift you onto the board too.'' Homer: ''Do it without the attitude or don't do it at all.''

Memorable Moment — The Simpson family attends a WNBA basketball game at Springfield Square Garden, where a sign reads: 'Courtside Seats 30 Cents.' Lisa Simpson: ''Look, that's Lisa Leslie! She showed little girls everywhere that they can grow up to be 6-foot-5.'' Bart: ''Lisa Leslie, you got game!'' Leslie: ''I think you mean I have game. Try to speak correctly.'' Bart: ''You go girl!'' Leslie: ''Yes, I will depart, lest your bad grammar rub off on me.''

Memorable Moment — After Homer receives skybox tickets for a hockey game, the family arrives to an over-embellished luxury suite, which includes an artist with palette in hand. Artist (to Bart): ''Paint your portrait, sir?'' Bart: ''Can you paint me knockin' out Larry Holmes?'' Artist: ''Certainly.'' The artist snaps his fingers, and Larry Holmes appears and kneels in front of Bart. Holmes: ''Don't hit my face.'' Bart: ''OK, where do you want it?'' Holmes: ''I don't know. Work the stomach.'' Bart gives Holmes a few punches in the stomach. Holmes: ''Mmmm. That takes me back.''

Memorable Moment — Homer climbs up through the crowd to where the Williams sisters are sitting. Serena: ''What are you doing?'' Venus: ''That's our Dad's seat.'' Homer: ''Hey, great. Listen, I need a new doubles partner. My little girl's a lead weight.'' Serena: ''You're dumping your own daughter?'' Homer: ''Yeah, but only to crush my wife and son.'' Serena: ''That's horrible!'' Venus: ''Yeah, that's pretty low.'' Homer [to Venus]: ''Hmmm. You seem less disgusted. Let's go.'' Homer grabs Venus by the hand and pulls her toward the court.

Memorable Moment — Agassi [grabbing Homer's tennis racquet]: ''Yoink!'' Homer: ''My tennis stick!'' Homer turns to face Agassi. Homer: ''Who are you?'' Agassi: ''I'm Andre Agassi.'' Homer: ''The wrestler?''

Memorable Moment — Sampras: ''C'mon, let's play! I've gotta tape a Ho Hos commercial.''

Memorable Moment — As the townspeople surround a crashed MLB satellite Bart brought down with a tank, fearing it was spying on everyone, Mark McGwire arrives in a helicopter. McGwire: ''Hi folks! I'm Mark McGwire!'' Satellite computer voice: ''Big Mac himself! Who'da thunk it?'' McGwire: ''Young Bart here was right. We are spying on you, pretty much around the clock.'' Bart: ''But why Mr. McGwire?'' McGwire: ''Do you want to know the terrifying truth? Or do you wanna see me sock a few dingers!'' The crowd yells: ''Ding-ers! Ding-ers!'' McGwire hits a ball off into the distance, and as the crowd watches in amazement, he grabs the data printout from the satellite and hides it under his cap.

Memorable Moment — Summerall and Madden discuss their opinions on the episode at the end of the show. Summerall: ''Did it strike you as odd that in a Super Bowl show with Dolly Parton we didn't see any football or singing?'' Madden: ''I hadn't thought about it Pat, but in retrospect, it was kind of a rip-off! What a way to treat the loyal fans, who put up with so much nonsense from this franchise.'' Summerall: ''Any final thoughts?'' Madden: ''Nah, I'm too mad, let's get the heck out of here!''

Memorable Moment — Marino runs a 'Catch A Pass' booth and throws a pass to Bart. Marino: ''Go long, son.'' Bart: ''Yes sir!'' Bart runs out and the ball flies through the air. Bart: ''I'm catching a pass from Dan Marino! This is the greatest moment of my...'' Homer intercepts the pass. Homer: ''Woo hoo! Homer Simpson with the pick!'' Marino [to his two bodyguards]: ''Hey Bubba, Hacksaw! Get that moron!'' Homer [being chased]: ''Uh oh! Lateral to Bart!'' The goons tackle Homer anyway. Homer: ''My spine!''

Memorable Moment — Ned Flanders sits at a caricature booth run by Troy Aikman. Aikman: ''So, Ned, do you like dune buggies?'' Ned: ''Well, it's not my cup of...'' Aikman: ''Sure you do! Everyone likes dune buggies!'' Aikman draws Ned riding in a dune buggy, just as he's done with everyone else who has come to his booth, some samples of which hang on the wall.

Memorable Moment — Having not been to church yet, Ned Flanders is directed to 'Rosey Grier's Porta-Chapel,' where several people have gathered to hear a sermon. Rosey: ''And that the wandering Oakland Raiders may someday find a home, Lord, hear our prayer. Can I get an amen to that?'' Congregation: ''Amen!''

Memorable Moment — After Ned Flanders coaches Springfield's pee-wee football team to a win in their first game, Homer does nothing but criticize him, including over the phone to the radio show 'Sports Spew! with Roy Firestone.' Homer: ''Ah, I'm telling you. Flanders can't coach at all. I'm not the type to have a grudge for no reason--'' Firestone: ''Sir, can I just break in for a moment?'' Homer [annoyed]: ''Yes Roy?'' Firestone: ''Do you have a question for Sandy Koufax?'' Koufax is seen sitting next to Roy Firestone in his studio. Homer: ''Yes. Mr. Koufax, don't you think Flanders is a big jerk?'' Firestone hangs up. Homer: ''Yello? Yello?''

Memorable Moment — As the episode, centralized around pee-wee football, comes to an end, Namath says to the camera: ''You know, we had a lot of fun tonight. But, there's nothing funny about... vapor lock. It's the third most common cause of stalling. So please, take care of your car and get it checked. I'm Joe Namath. Good night.''

Memorable Moment — A sign reads: 'GERRY COONEY Official Greeter of Mr. Burns Casino' during the grand opening. Cooney [greeting Otto]: ''Hello, I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. Welcome to Mr. Burns Casino. If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please, just let me know.'' Otto [walking away]: ''Yeah, great. See ya.'' Cooney [stopping Otto]: ''Uh, don't forget to apply for our VIP Platinum Club for special discounts on...'' Otto [pushing Cooney away]: ''Hey! I said bug off!'' Otto lands a right hook to Cooney's face. Cooney stands dazed for a second and falls down.

Memorable Moment — After announcing Homer as the winner of an award, Joe Frazier has a beer with a depressed Homer at Moe's Tavern. Homer: ''I miss my couch.'' Frazier: ''I know how you feel. You lost the couch. I lost the heavyweight championship.'' Homer [scoffs]: ''Heavyweight championship. There's like three of those. That couch was one of a kind.'' Frazier: ''Homer, I know things are tough now. But one day, you'll be walking along, and you'll see a piece of furniture you can love just as much.'' Barney: ''Hey Frazier, shut up!'' Frazier [getting angry]: ''Barney, you've been ridin' my back all night.'' Barney: ''Oh yeah, care to step outside?!'' Frazier: ''Let's do it.'' The two exit the bar and before the door can swing shut, a punch is heard hitting Barney and his blood splats on the door. As Homer exits the bar, he sees Barney upside down in a trash can exclaiming: ''Alright, a peanut!''

Memorable Moment — While at an autograph session, Canseco is approached by Mr. Smithers, who is recruiting ringers for the company softball team. Canseco: ''I get $50,000 to play one game?'' Smithers: ''That's right, Mr. Canseco.'' Canseco: ''Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey. It sounds like fun.''

Memorable Moment — Homer: ''You're Darryl Strawberry.'' Strawberry: ''Yes?'' Homer: ''You play right field.'' Strawberry: ''Yes?'' Homer: ''I play right field too.'' Strawberry: ''So?'' Homer: ''Well, are you better than me?'' Strawberry: ''Well, I never met you, but...yes.'' Later on, Strawberry takes right field in the championship game. Lisa: ''You stink Strawberry! We want Home Run Homer!'' Bart: ''Darrrryl! Darrrryl!'' Bart and Lisa: ''Darrrryl! Darrrryl!'' Marge: ''Children, that's not very nice.'' Lisa: ''Mom, they're professional athletes. They're used to this sort of thing. It rolls right off their back.'' Strawberry wipes away a tear from his eye.

Memorable Moment — After Mr. Burns posts the list of players who made the team. Homer: ''Clemens, did I make the team?'' Clemens: ''You sure did.'' Homer: ''I did! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! In your face Strawberry!'' Clemens: ''Wait a minute, are you Ken Griffey Jr.?'' Homer: ''No.'' Clemens: ''Sorry, didn't mean to get your hopes up.''

Memorable Moment — After being told repeately by Mr. Burns to trim his non-existent sideburns, Mattingly arrives with the sides and top of his head completely shaved off. Mr. Burns: ''Mattingly! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! Go home! You're off the team! For good!'' Mattingly: ''Fine.'' Mattingly walks away. Mattingly [to himself]: ''I still like him better than Steinbrenner.''

Memorable Moment — After drinking a spoonful of brain & nerve tonic. Griffey: ''Wow, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited.'' Griffey proceeds to chug the bottle.

Memorable Moment — Scioscia, working at the nuclear power plant, pushes a wheelbarrow of glowing green ooze. Carl pulls up beside him with his own wheelbarrow. Carl: ''Hey Scioscia, I don't get it. You're a ringer, but you're here every night in the core, busting your butt hauling radioactive waste.'' Scioscia: ''Well Carl, it's such a relief from the pressures of big league ball. I mean, there, you make any kind of mistake, and boom, the press is all over you.'' Scioscia then accidentally spills the waste. Scioscia: ''Uh oh.'' Carl: ''Ah, don't worry about it.'' Scioscia: ''Oh man, is this ever sweet.''

Memorable Moment — Ozzie pays a visit to the 'Springfield Mystery Spot.' Ozzie: ''How long does it take to see this thing. I'm kind of in a hurry.'' Proprietor: ''Well, it's hard to say my friend. Once you go in, you may never come out.'' Ozzie: ''Wow! One please.'' He buys a ticket and walks in. A long falling scream is heard from Ozzie.

Memorable Moment — Drinking at Moe's Tavern. Barney: ''And I say, England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!'' Boggs: ''Pitt the Elder!!'' Barney: ''Lord Palmerston!!!'' Boggs [pokes Barney]: ''Pitt the Elder!!!!'' Barney: ''Okay, you asked for it Boggs!'' Barney punches Boggs out.

Memorable Moment — Sax gets pulled over while driving through a nice neighborhood in Springfield. Sax: ''What seems to be the problem officers?'' Officer Eddie: ''That's enough out of you smart guy.'' Officer Lou [pointing his gun]: ''Reach for your license...[cock's his gun] slowly.'' Officer Eddie: ''Well well, Steve Sax, from New York City.'' Officer Lou: ''I heard some guy got killed in New York City and they never solved the case, but you wouldn't know anything about that, would you Steve?'' The officers laugh. Sax: ''But there's hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City.'' Officer Lou: ''You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you Saxy boy?''

Memorable Moment — After Homer saves the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant from a meltdown by luckily guessing which button to press, he receives a phone call from Magic Johnson during a Lakers game. Magic: ''Is this really Homer Simpson?'' Homer: ''Yeah!'' Magic: ''Wow. Homer, I just used our last timeout to call and congratulate you on averting that nuclear holocaust.''

Memorable Moment — After Homer's heroism is exposed as mere dumb luck, people start to refer to other instances of dumb luck as 'pulling a Homer'. Chick Hearn is heard calling a Lakers game. Hearn: ''The Lakers have the ball. Magic Johnson coming down the floor on a fast break. Magic stops. His feet slip out from under him! The ball flies out of his hands! Hits the referee in the head! Goes in the basket! It's a three-point play! The Lakers win!'' Magic: ''Looks like I pulled a Homer.'' Homer's name and picture appear in the dictionary. Homer \noun\ 1. American bonehead 2. Pull a Homer — to succeed despite idiocy